Developing non-negotiables...
The Sunday Monthly.
As we step into 2026 and open ourselves up to what this year may bring, I want to share with you one of my core practices - my non-negotiables for self-care. I was introduced to these by Laura McKowen as part of her We Are The Luckiest course, in the time before the book and the community.
She proposed the idea that not only could I have needs but that I could make them a priority. And that I could define a set of them to fulfil on a daily basis. She shared how she too had been introduced to this concept by someone else, Seane Corne.
The idea of non-negotiables is that they are a set of everyday practices that we need to hold ourselves to for our own wellbeing. They provide the foundation for our emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual needs. When we create our own set, we are starting to prioritise our own self care. For many of us, this is new. And hard. We didn’t learn that we could have needs never mind that we could give them relevance.
They aren’t nice-to-haves, they are essentials. Much like food, air and water. What do I need to have in my day to help me make it through? I thought back to what I’d needed to stay sober. Starting and ending my day on my knees in prayer, chocolate, water & lunch (things I would forget), reaching out to another sober person, at least 30 minutes on my own. I knew that I needed to keep stress down, I knew that I needed connection to my sobriety. As part of my AA work, I had indeed held myself accountable to a set of non-negotiables. What might these look like now I was sober? And why would they matter?
Turns out that sober doesn’t change life. It doesn’t make everything easier and more straightforward. In fact, for a while, it can all become much harder. Now that we are actually living in it. I had hoped, like many of us, that stopping drinking removed the chaos and that life would begin to flow more gently. However, as I settled into this new way of living, it didn’t do anything of the sort.
When I sat looking at this concept of non-negotiable, I was newly single, in my first solo home with two teenagers, had taken time off work sick (now I know it was peri-menopausal/ADHD burnout, my third bout of it) and feeling pretty much overwhelmed. I knew I needed something more than I currently had, maybe this was it.
The idea is to define a set that we can stick to, they are not a set of ideals that we can berate ourselves for not achieving. They are called non-negotiables for a reason. And so I began to ponder on what mine might be. Where in life had I felt at my best, what had been going on for me? Learning to observe our own behaviour can be a difficult thing to do. For many of us drinking has made that harder. Sobriety had brought that into my core. The watching, the noticing. It has been an essential part of my being. Also essential is the ability to be self-compassionate. There is little point in making observations if all I will do with them is beat myself up. I can do that without effort, not doing that has become a hard earned skill.
I settled on the following list:
Sleep
When I sleep well, I am all the better for it. The hours before midnight are more valuable for me than the hours after. I have discovered that I can’t always manage my sleep but I can take considerable steps to improving it and to keeping it sacred. When I start giving it up for others, for example when my daughter is home and she is much more of an owl than a lark, I need to watch carefully and bring it back if required.
Music
I need music in my day, sometimes only in short bursts but always some. I stopped listening to a radio station that was full of chat, and began to support my day with my own playlist. The impact this had on my commute to and from work was substantial. What previously had not always felt long enough suddenly worked. The transition between work and home was smoothed, I managed to leave each one behind before stepping into the other. Nothing short of miraculous.
Outside Air
As a driving commuter, I wasn’t always able to spend time outside. I changed where I parked so that there was always a walk. I would stand in the garden with my coffee, I bought seats so that I could sit in it. If I went to a cafe I would sit outside rather than in.
Sober People
Meetings had become harder to attend and these certainly couldn’t be daily but I could reach out to someone instead. Keeping this as a core rhythm had become critical since a period when I stopped going to meetings for several months. Bringing this in as a non-negotiable felt exactly that, non-negotiable.
Food
I am a lazy eater. I don’t appreciate the regimentation of it, yet without it I can easily become dis-regulated. I have to have one decent meal every day and pay attention to it. It doesn’t matter if I don’t make it, as long as it is good, wholesome food. I discovered that coffee can send my anxiety into a spiral so keeping that contained fits under here too.
Prayer
My connection to my God saved my life. I can easily forget, in fact when I was writing this list I did. My faith is such a key part of my life that I carry it very loosely. There was a time when I carried it too loosely and nearly lost it. Every morning and evening as I put on or remove my cross, I reconnect and acknowledge the role that God has for me.
There were a few others that I wanted to bring in such as exercise, seeing friends but I realised that the need for a daily set was where I needed to start. Because starting here has always worked for me.
Over the years, I have adjusted them. There have been times when I have gone back to daily meetings, 30 in 30 or 90 in 90. Acknowledging that my non-negotiables aren’t to be carved into stone but that they need to be flexible helps me realign as necessary. I have also expanded them to include a set for weekly, monthly, quarterly and annually.
Covid helped me realise that I needed to see the sea at least twice a year, toes in. I have to spend time with people who aren’t in sobriety. I have to take two weeks off work at least once a year. I have to do some exercise on a weekly basis. I have to dance. I can’t work everyday, there has to be breaks (even if I love what I do and have lots of it to do). I need to write weekly, hence this Substack. I need to be in nature, this hasn’t required any planning but I am always mindful of it.
I love a framework yet find some structures too rigid, non-negotiables have worked for me and I discuss them with every one that I work with. Would love to know if you use them and what yours might be.
I’ve started to add recordings of my favourite readings to the podcast section within Substack for paid subscribers in case this is something you are considering, please let me know of any readings you would like to see there.
Enrolment for my first course of the year is available, and as promised, there is an early bird discount for you all using the code - A076P94, this is only available until January 15th. Here is the link:
https://louiseatthey.podia.com/living-the-artist-s-way-spring-2026
February 27th to April 10th - Living The Artist’s Way
(early bird $150, general price $195)
Working alongside others to introduce and build on our own practices of using the four tools that have supported Julia Cameron through 40 years of sobriety and developing our connection to our own creativity.
These are Morning Pages, Artist Dates, Artist Walks, Writing for Guidance
April 24th to June 5th - Finding Faith in Sobriety
(early bird $450, general price $495)
My signature course and how it all began.
We will work through the approach that I used in creating my own spiritual connection and relationship with my God/Higher Power, including how I integrated it into building my sense of self and learning to live with love.
September 4th to November 27th - The Artist’s Way
(early bird $350, general price $395)
A revolutionary programme for personal renewal from Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way will help you rediscover your passions and take the steps you need to change your life.
Julia has been described as The Queen of Change by the New York Times. The more I discover about her and her work, the more this course feels like a sobriety programme, not just for women but maybe. I am so excited to be doing this with a group of you.
More information is available on my website - www.louiseatthey.com.
If you appreciated this read, I’d love for you to tap the little ♡ and/or leave a comment. It lets others, as well as myself, know there’s something useful here and all recommendations or mentions are very much appreciated.
Sending hope, light and love into your week,
Louise 💜
PS If you know someone who might find this post of interest, please do share it, I would love that too.
❤️
Love this!!!!!